Thank you. I really appreciate your support.

It would be good if the healing and transformation could occur without the triggers. But I think it’s the triggers which prompt the change. In this case, it made me re-evaluate how I viewed myself.

Shame is a powerful emotion. It was incredibly liberating to realise that I had no need to feel ashamed about writing of my suicide attempts. They were a symptom of how I was at that time. If more people talked about the issues openly, maybe we wouldn’t have such high suicide rates in this country.

Over the weekend I realised I could protect and hold my head up at the same time… Protecting doesn’t need to mean hiding or hurting myself; it can mean standing calmly and meeting peoples eyes.

Sending warm hugs and positive thoughts,
CG

I was thinking of you when I was driving into work and heard about the big aftershock this morning. I’m glad you had your cat there for some comfort. Bawling is good, if you need to, you need to.

When I look at the pictures it takes my breath away. You’re right, timing was everything.

I’m happy to put my online name to everything I have to say about the Google Groups experience. While I see your blog as a brilliant resource for those wanting to keep up to date with developments with ACC, I still see it as “your blog”. That means it gets treated with respect. I wouldn’t want to do anything to bring nastiness in your direction. Although as we’ve seen, you are famous on some websites :)

I’m so glad you’re physically ok. I hope the aftershocks stop soon so you can settle down a little more emotionally too.

Sending positive thoughts your way,
CG

As for the forums, you’re most welcome to vent your opinions about them on my blog! That’s precisely why I enabled comments – go anonymous if you like :)

i’ve experienced something similar. at times, some of the worst triggering moments for me have been occasions i was able to transform into something very healing and make progress. it was unexpected, and hasn’t always been the case when upsetting things happen. but i’m so glad for you that this was your experience :)

i can very strongly relate to what you said about shame and hiding your blog, and all the feelings about that and the conclusions it would have left for you internally, had you left it hidden.

i think you and your blog are terrific and i’m happy to see you blogging again. but moreso, happy to see you feeling safe and strong enough to do so. not that hiding your blog wasn’t strong. i saw that as you protecting yourself, yet another sign of your strength.

take care, all of you~~~ :) safe hugs!

I’ve probably been using “castorgirl” for about 10 years now. I don’t mind using it, in that it is a consistent voice for me online – sort of like my online identity. But, just as there are benefits from having this consistency, there are also potential issues to be aware of.

Thanks :)

Take care,
CG

Thank you :)

It’s changing so many things having this new awareness. I’m still finding my feet, and I know that I will falter along the way. But, I feel stronger and better able to make my way through what I have to face.

I only went into the forum because I was interested in the issue being discussed. I don’t regret that decision. I was standing up for what I believe in. If necessary, I’d do the same thing again.

Take care,
CG

Some of the people on the forum used their real names, and some didn’t. But you’re right, people are more inclined to act differently when they have a sense of anonymity. It can also be easy to forget that there is a real person on the other end of the Internet connection.

It was interesting when the participants read about my suicide attempts. There was no empathy or moral consideration as to whether that was a “no go” area. Instead they used it to try and discredit me. I wasn’t expecting any special treatment because of being a survivor, or having attempted suicide recently. But, I would hope that this is not how they treat those around them in daily life.

Thanks for stopping by and commenting – both on the post and my photos.

Take care,
CG

It’s such a huge shift that it’s catching me unaware at times. When talking to Allison on Monday, it was a totally different experience – an impatience to start talking and co-consciousness during the telling of some traumatic events.

I think the key has been an acceptance.

Take care,
CG