Scattered pieces

Last week I posted about Felicity Goodyear-Smith’s involvement in ACC Sensitive Claims research.  The articles which prompted that post (see here and here), have created debate amongst interested parties about whether Goodyear-Smith should have been involved in the research. There are two clear camps – those who believe she is the best person to carry out the research, and those who think she has potential conflicts of interest which should have excluded her from any involvement in ACC SCU.  There have been numerous blogs and websites advocating both sides of the issue, but rarely have the two camps directly conversed – mainly because it is obvious that two such opposing viewpoints will never come to any sort of agreement.

I got a hint of the emotions the topic stirred when I entered a Google Groups thread over the weekend.  I thought that as all participants were adults, it would be a reasoned debate.  Unfortunately, that proved not to be the case.  Insults were thrown and behaviour which could, at best, be described as creepy, at worst threatening, ensued.

As I had joined the discussion under my usual Google username, the people involved had the name “castorgirl”; and they used it.  They found this blog and used information about my suicide attempts to question my character and credibility.  I understand that all information on the Internet is fair game, but the use of this information scared the younger ones in the system.  All they saw, were aggressive men finding, and potentially hurting them.

This may seem like it caused havoc, and it did for awhile.  But from this event, some major shifts have occurred.

Firstly, I was able to maintain a sense of adult self, and was rarely reactionary on the forum.  I could see the behaviour of the people involved for what it was – diversionary and bullying.

Despite getting scared about the blog being found, I realised that by hiding the blog (I re-directed traffic to Google for a day), I was acting as if I was ashamed of what is contained here.  If I was ashamed of what is contained here, then I was ashamed of me.  This proved to be a tipping point in my thinking.  I began to question whether the shame belonged to me, or those who hurt me.  While I sometimes cringe at what is written here, it’s my place of safety.  By hiding it, I was questioning my healing and learning… not a good message to send to the rest of the system.  So, I removed the re-direct.

In addition to the drama on the forum, yesterday was both Father’s Day and the mothers birthday.  I managed to make it through the day by distracting.  But, as midnight rolled around, I became more fragmented and derealised.  By 1am a young one was actively keeping us awake through their hypervigilence.  There was enough awareness, that I was able to soothe this young one - repeating over and over that we’d stayed safe during the day and that the father was no longer going to hurt us.  That he lived far away and it was a different time and place to the one they remembered.

We eventually calmed, but this internal communication continued.  An unknown young one came forward and shared some of her experiences.  At first she gave distractions, but then revealed part of what had happened to her.  In what is a first for me, I identified this young one as part of me, and as needing empathy, love and caring.  I again realised that the shame was not hers/mine, but that of the father who hurt her/us/me.  We tried to see if she would go with Sophie to be cared for, but instead, she melted back into the shadows to be taken care of by One.

The pain of this young one, was what we took into therapy today.

Allison, to put it bluntly, was brilliant.  She encouraged us to pause in our telling of what happened, and to check the emotional response.  This allowing and acceptance, meant that another young one came forward to tell of her experiences with the father.

I was left shaking, yet in a place of acceptance.  There was still denial to try and counter what had been said, but it was not the overwhelming denial that there has been in the past.  It felt as if the denial belonged to the different parts of the system, rather than to me as a whole.

Oddly as it seems, I have the bullying behaviour of a group of men to thank for this shift.  Young ones realised that I was willing and able to protect them.  They didn’t see me as weak and unable to handle what they held.  They equated these men with the image of the father, and they saw the adult me standing up to them.  This is what many of them had been waiting for, some sign that I was strong and capable of protecting them.

So, I have Goodyear-Smith supporters to thank for helping me gain huge ground in my healing.  There’s an irony in that, which I find amusing.

The forum discussion reached an uneasy conclusion yesterday, with the publication of the latest article by Tim Hume (Sex abuse cuts ‘all about cost-cutting’) which indicates that ACC did know of the potential conflicts of interest regarding Goodyear-Smith, but commissioned her for the research anyway.

All in all, a very odd weekend.

Image: wake me when you’re broke by indiae

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Now playing: Louis Lortie – Piano Sonata No. 14 in C-Sharp Minor, Op. 27, No. 2, “Moonlight”: I. Adagio Sostenuto
via FoxyTunes

Today, two articles were published by the Sunday Star Times which highlight a troubling aspect regarding the recent changes in ACC guidelines (or clinical pathway)… ACC advisor silent on links to sex abusers and Conflicting interests?

Reading these articles has left me with questions…

• How much influence have the ideologies of Bert Potter (a convicted pedophile), indirectly had on ACC Sensitive Claims Unit policies?
• If ACC commissioned research directly from Felicity Goodyear-Smith, why?  What was the motivation, considering her stance and ideologies were well known at the time of the later studies.
• Why did ACC commission research from a GP, rather than psychologists, psychiatrists or clinical psychologists?
• Why did ACC commission research from a person who was a founding member of a group dedicated to defending those accused of sexual crimes (Casualities of Sexual Allegations – COSA), and who has been used as an expert witness defending the accused?
• Why did ACC commission research from someone who could later argue “that gonorrhoea in pre-pubescent children was not necessarily an indicator of sexual abuse”? (see Conflicting interests? and What is the evidence for non-sexual transmission of gonorrhoea in children after the neonatal period? A systematic review)
• My knowledge of the tertiary sector, would indicate that the research was directly commissioned.  However, if ACC commissioned the research from The University of Auckland, and they assigned the research to her… why was it assigned to her and why did ACC commission more research without any provisos that she not be involved in further research associated with sexual abuse?
• In the research where Ethic Committee approval was needed, what was disclosed about any conflicts of interest regarding the study?  Not only of the main researcher, but also other people involved in the study.

But, the most important question…

What is ACC going to do with this information?

One step was the appointment of the review panel, who are looking at the changes in policy and their impact on claimants… but this was instigated by a Dr Nick Smith under pressure from the opposing political party and public pressure in the form of survivor rallies and news stories about the suicide of women refused ACC funded counselling (see Denied help for sexual abuse, dead days later).

It also seems hard to believe that ACC didn’t know the type of research, or outcomes that would be produced, when the book First do no harm: The sex abuse industry, was published in 1993.  So the ideologies were well known before the 2003 and 2005 ACC research was commissioned.  So, may be the more appropriate question is…

What is ACC going to do, now that this information is public?

On a personal note… One of the arguments put forth by Felicity Goodyear-Smith, is that children seek out sexual contact with adults as part of a consensual act.  I find this the greatest insult.  I initiated sexual contact with adults, I know this and carry the shame and confusion as a result.  But, well before I did this, I had been forced into sexual situations which were beyond my ability to cope or understand them.  I was abused.  I was used.  I was stripped of my humanity and treated as a plaything.  I was so sexualised by the time that I initiated the contact, that I didn’t know what the appropriate sexual boundaries were.  I thought that it was “normal” to play those games.  I also found that it was over more quickly if you acted a certain way.  It hurt less.  It was also one way to get a sense of power, in an otherwise powerless situation.  So one statement, treated as generalised fact, can hide a huge range of issues and problems.  There are no simple answers when it comes to child sexual abuse… well, there’s one simple answer – it’s wrong… morally, ethically and legally wrong.

I’d like to thank Tim Hume, Barrie Leslie and Kyle MacDonald for speaking out.  I know there are others, not named in the articles who contributed, so would like to thank them as well…

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Now playing: The Feelers – Stand Up
via FoxyTunes

On Tuesday, the New Zealand Herald ran the story of a woman who died (read committed suicide) four days after being declined counselling assistance by ACC (see the whole article here).  It could be argued that there is no link between these two events, but it’s hard not to draw conclusions.  Having been on the receiving end of insensitive letters and shoddy reports from ACC, I know how easy it is to get that last knock which sets off the final downward spiral.  We’ll never know whether this tragedy could have been averted or not.  People within therapy do commit suicide, so there is a possibility, that even with counselling, this would have happened.  But there will always be that… “What if… ?”  I know her children will always wonder and question…

The reason why her claim had been denied, was that ACC determined that she hadn’t suffered a “significant mental injury” due to sexual abuse.  Yet, the counsellor initiating the claim, clearly stated that she was suicidal because of the abuse.  If you’re wondering how this can happen, ACC look at other factors in your life, to see if the symptoms you are suffering from can be attributed elsewhere.  As an example, I am deemed to have grown up in a “challenging” home environment due to having an alcoholic father (among other factors).  When someone grows up in such an environment, it is statistically expected for them to be impaired in some way, for example, children of alcoholic parents are more likely to suffer from depression.  So it would seem that ACC decided in this woman’s case, that her current issues were not due to the sexual abuse.

As an outsider, it’s easy to cite other resources for help that she could have approached instead of the ACC funded therapy – LifeLine, Mental Health Crisis Teams etc.  But in reality, it’s not always that simple.  Speaking from my experiences, when I’ve reached out to the Crisis Lines, their goal is to talk you through that moment and to suggest options for assistance long term.  Often, those options are under-funded and over-stretched.  As an example, if I wanted to see someone through the Mental Health Team, I’d be looking at a six month waiting period – just to be assessed.  When you’re in that pit of hopelessness, six months may as well be 20 years, it seems like an eternity and beyond hope.  This is the reason why the recent changes to the ACC pathways have been so damaging.  The options for someone who doesn’t receive assistance from ACC are limited and often cost prohibitive.  Not many people can afford the cost of therapy; and as it would be considered a pre-existing condition, no private health insurer would accept coverage.

In the same newspaper article that told of this woman’s death, it was announced that there would be a review of the new ACC pathways.  I hope the reviewers seriously look at the Massey Guidelines – the original work, not the slanted way in which ACC has adopted them.  As Kyle MacDonald pointed out, the way ACC have used the Guidelines, is to pretty much ignore them in favour of Goodyear-Smith, Lobb and Mansell (2005).

I also hope that this woman’s death isn’t used for political gain…  She, like so many others who didn’t make it, deserve some dignity.

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Now playing: The Pretenders – Hymn To Her
via FoxyTunes

As a note of warning, this entry could be triggering.  No event is described, but abuse is mentioned.

If you have silence in communities, I think that silence is very loud.

(Rebombo as cited in Jecks, 2009)

This quote is from Dumisani Rebombo, a man who admits to raping a young woman in his village.  He was talking about how silence within the community, enables South Africa to continually have appallingly high rape statistics.  But I think that this quote is easily transferred to almost every situation where abuse goes unreported or hidden.  Someone is keeping the silence, someone is benefiting from that silence and someone is suffering within that silence.  Through tacit consent areas within society allow abuse to occur.  In New Zealand, the most obvious case of this was the death of Nia Glassie.  Neighbours and family members admitted during the trial, to seeing Nia being subjected to the horrific abuse.  But, they never reported any of this abuse to the authorities until after her death.  The silence around Nia was deafeningly loud.

The secrets that the dissociative system keep are another form of this type of silence.  I often wonder when we learned to keep the silence.  As a newborn until about six months old we screamed whenever put down for a nap, so we obviously didn’t come into this world silent.  We were the only one of the four children that was a Plunket baby – monitored for health, well-being and development.  According to our Plunket book, we were a healthy, happy, alert and curious baby.  But by the time we reached school, we were noted as being withdrawn, studious and a loner.  The changes in our behaviour may well be nothing of consequence, but in the context of Katie being three (nearly four), it raises questions.  It is this documented change that I struggle with the most.  Why were there no questions asked?  Why didn’t anyone see the changes?  I know that there are now no answers for these questions, but it feels like we were subjected to abuse and an associated tacit consent from before the age of four.  This consent meant that for the next 30 years, it felt as if we didn’t have any control over our life.  This statement is obviously not true in the strictest meaning of the words – we went to University, got a job, moved away from the home town etc.  But none of those decisions seemed to have been made consciously, it was about meeting expectations of those around us and keeping busy – must always keep busy…

The one other area of our life where the quote from Rebombo fits, is the silent anger that the father exhibited.  I’ve mentioned the father’s brooding, silent anger briefly several times in this blog.  One day I might be able to write about it in more depth – not his anger, but the effects that it had.  Today isn’t that day, but if I keep mentioning it in little snippets, then it becomes less scary to talk and think about.  Well, that’s my theory and I’m sticking to it :)

Reference:

Jecks, N. (2009, July 29). Tackling South Africa’s rape epidemic. BBC News. Retrieved August 1, 2009, from http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/8171874.stm

Today has been one of those last straw days.  It started out fairly normally, the traffic on the way to work was light because the university students are in the middle of exams.  Our cynical friend at work was in a good mood and it was all looking positive.  Then…

Blow 1:  Our cynical friend didn’t come out to morning tea with us all – which is unusual.  When we were walking back to our desk we saw the graphic surgical procedure pictures she was looking at.  They had found a cyst which they are going to operate on.  As if she hasn’t got enough on her plate.

Blow 2:  We’ve been nominated as the union representative for the workplace.  Considering how we don’t like arguments or confrontation, I’ve no idea why they elected us – especially as we refused to volunteer.

Blow 3:  Each website we visited today that had an Ad banner, was advertising the “Death Quiz”.  It invited you to fill in the quiz to find out when you would die.  Considering how suicidal we are at the moment, those subtle messages are not helpful.

Blow 4:  One of the most vivid abuse memories we have is an event that occurred on the grounds of the local kindergarten.  Today in the newspaper feeds, a headline jumped out – that kindergarten had been set on fire.  It started on the couch they kept on the porch.  How the kindergarten is used on the weekend at night as a gathering place for teens was mentioned.  SO and W are triggered so badly.  We were already unsteady, but this has pushed us over.

Blow 5:  We were 3 minutes late for our desk shift because we got caught up in a conversation about a major system upgrade that is happening next week.  Another team leader came up and yelled at us for being late in front of other team members.

It’s now 1am and we’re terrified of trying to sleep.  We know the nightmares will be there.  It’s just one bad day right?  We can do this……….

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Now playing: Christina Aguilera – The Voice
via FoxyTunes

Recently a series of articles ran in a New Zealand newspaper called Our lost children.  Usually I don’t pay much heed to newspaper articles – if you’ve seen the news wire snippets before further political and sensationalistic spin is added, you’ll know why.  But Parents’ abuse the cruellest conflict by Ericksen (2008), hit close to home.

Of the thousands of children Barnardos works with who have been abused or seen abuse, about half defend the person responsible for the abuse.

“It’s because they love them – that’s their parent,” said northern region spokeswoman Jenny Corry.

“They are the most difficult to shift in terms of their thinking.”

The other half will withdraw from conversations, afraid that if they speak out they will break up their family and be blamed for it.

As an adult you can see the double bind that these children are facing.  The parent they love is hurting them, but they’re still a “parent” with the loyalty and attachments this concept evokes for the child.  The betrayal that the abuse brings is immense, and has shown to have a lasting impact – in another article within the series, it was stated that the ages 0-3 are critical for the rapidly developing brain.  This is supported and expanded by Watts-English, Fortson, Gibler, Hooper & Bellis (2006), who state that the stress caused by childhood maltreatment can cause a negative effect on the brain and ongoing global functioning.

In very simplistic language – child abuse can hinder the development of the brain.

As a survivor of child abuse I have issues with this – it is implied that not only did those who should have protected me didn’t, but their actions may have impacted on the basic physiology and biology of my brain.  In some ways this is obvious through the disorders that I now exhibit, for example individuals with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) have been shown to have a smaller hippocampi than those in control groups (McNally, 2003).  My global functioning has been assessed to be negatively affected by 50-60%.  So there can be little doubt that the abuse has had long term effects on my daily functioning.

Can this damage could ever be reversed?  In the case of the coping mechanisms developed to cope with this abuse, good therapy can assist in returning functioning to a level that allows me to carry out the daily tasks enjoyed by my peers.  But will the potential damage done to my brain ever be reversed?  The answer to this question is beyond my control.  One thing that gives hope is that those who have a hemispherectomy can and do, have a full and productive life.

No matter what the damage has been caused, it is up to the survivor to work with what they have to make the most of the life given.  Making the most of that life can have different meanings to each individual – it could mean being able to get up to face the day; working on therapy as a full-time job; or being employed and working in a therapeutic environment to heal those wounds.

There is always hope.

References

Eriksen, A., (2008, December 12). Our lost children: Parents’ abuse the cruellest conflict. The New Zealand Herald. Retrieved December 22, 2008, from http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10547735

McNally, R., (2003). Progress and controversy in the study of posttraumatic stress disorder. Annual Review of Psychology, 54(1), 229-252. Retrieved December 22, 2008, from Academic Search Elite.

Watts-English, T., Fortson, B.L., Gibler, N., Hooper, S., & Bellis, M., (2006). Psychobiology of maltreatment in childhood. Journal of Social Issues, 62(4), 717-736. Retrieved December 22, 2008, from Academic Search Elite doi:10.1111/j.1540-4560.2006.00484.x