Stuck
I’m stuck… Stuck in a hellish limbo. I’m derealised, dissociated and generally out of touch with reality. Memories are flicking through my brain, stinging like needles. I’m so out of touch.
This is the cause…
Stuck in a memory, and can’t get out. No matter how much I try. Half the problem is that the memory won’t form so I can work it through. Just little fragments darting through my mind.
Want to run. Want to hide. Want to…?
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Now playing: Natalie Merchant – My skin
via FoxyTunes
What does dissociation feel like?
Over at Polyvore the group Adult Survivors of Abuse are running a friendly competition to come up with the sets which represent to you “How does it feel” to dissociate. This isn’t an easy question to answer, as it can depend on the trigger, type of dissociation and the severity of the dissociation. As an example, I can sometimes tell I’m about to dissociate as I get a tingling at the back of my head and neck, or the world tilts and it feels like I’m falling into a black hole… other times, the dissociation is so quick that I don’t notice anything until I come back an hour (or more) later. When I discussed my dissociation with the first therapist that I saw, we talked about it being like a train that is speeding out of control… it’s hard to know how to slow the train down, or whether you’re trying to get on or off it. This was before I knew many of the grounding and distraction techniques I now know, but the dissociation still feels like an out of control train… Hence the reason for my entry into the competition -
But the feeling of dissociation is more than that… it’s also about contradictions existing at once. Over the past month or so, we’ve noticed our food issues coming back. We’ve never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, and most of our food issues are generally hidden. One therapist described our food issues as being tied to a sense of entitlement regarding our health. I’m not sure if she’s right or not, but our dissociation means that we can perceive our body as being different ages, shapes and sex. With the return of the food issues, there is an internal battle raging between those who see themselves at either end of the weight spectrum…
One day I know I’m going to have to work on the food issues. I have raised it with several therapists, but they never seem to consider it a problem worthy of attention. I think this time the food issues are going to be a rough trip, the battle lines are firmly entrenched and there is serious retribution for any action which is perceived as going over those boundaries.
But probably the most consistent issue I have experiencing dissociation is the noise. There seems to rarely be a lull in the constant level of background chatter… I’m not sure how different this is from the usual level of internal noise that non-dissociatives experience, but it can at times be overwhelming, scary and confusing.
This is what happened to me last week with the “rupture” in the therapeutic relationship with Liz. It’s also the reason why I’m often left incapable of speech while in therapy. The conflicting messages and noise are so intense that it’s impossible to work through what the real message is that needs to be discussed. This had become more of a problem during my sessions with Liz… it could be seen as progress, but so much of the noise was negative that I’m not really sure what it meant. The noise has died down over the last day or so – except the noise related to the body’s weight, and I think this is tied to everything going back on “lock-down”…
Last week we saw the Mental Health Team psychiatrist and she asked that we write a letter to Liz outlining our concerns and reasoning behind our departure. We did that, but haven’t heard a response… The psychiatrist said that they will offer support for a one month period, and by the end of that time we have to have found another therapist… or gone back to Liz. This has given us a deadline for either having ourselves sorted out to the point of everything being behind the dissociative walls again, or with a therapist. We’re preparing ourselves for being without a therapist for quite some time…
Collages for healing and understanding
I’m trying something new – I’m submitting some artwork to the latest Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. The works below have great meaning for some within the system. I’m a little hesitant about submitting them, but want to support the carnival and the cause it is paying attention to this month – World Day for the Prevention of Child Abuse.
This is one of our common nightmares… trying to escape from a feeling of drowning and being pulled toward a monster or clown.
Layers of dirt, abuse and pain pile up to create a warped view of the world.
What story do the abusers see in their victims eyes?
Do they see anything, or are they scared to look?
I wonder if the look in a victims eyes has ever haunted them or kept them awake at night?
Alone again
I’ve just dropped the mother off at the airport. She agreed to go home last night – so she doesn’t put me through more “torture” (her words).
I feel like the worst daughter ever. I know she doesn’t mean any harm and she was trying to help, but it wasn’t working. When we woke up this morning, I thought maybe I’d made a mistake and she should stay… But then on the way to the airport she was talking about the cold snap that has come up the country and how it would hurt all the lambs (yes, I can’t even type what really would have happened to them). I don’t watch the news at this time of the year because I know they will show the horrific shots of the lambs in trucks. In my world, no lambs get hurt… Most people would realise that you shouldn’t talk about cute animals being hurt to someone who is DID and suicidal, not so my mother. This is why I’m sure that she really doesn’t understand DID or me. She doesn’t intend to be cruel or nasty, she just doesn’t realise the implications of her words.
Because of her words, this is how Sophie was feeling last night… It’s bad when one of our most high functioning and optimistic one does a collage like this.
Gift from a friend
Today I went onto Polyvore to do a set as a coping mechansim, and found this gift from LostShadowChild instead…
for castorgirl by LostShadowChild on Polyvore.com
Thank you… Thank you so much.
LostShadowchild, I hope you don’t mind me adding it here. If you want me to take it down just let me know :)
